So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
