I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
this hospital has no fireball
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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