two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
