Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Drunk is not a location!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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