would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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