He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
