my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The Olympian is in my bed
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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