I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
