I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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