dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
