all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
