haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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