what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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