you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
