I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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