wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I want her autograph on my taint
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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