Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
