dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
