sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
