Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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