smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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