I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thus making me awesome and them whores
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
