It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
