Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So many bounce houses so little time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
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