I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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