Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
