i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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