Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
