don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
