I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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