i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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