She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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