he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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