There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
