i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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