guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
50% drunk capacity currently
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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