I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
