Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
