Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
