glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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