If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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