Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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