I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
