He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
