True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
