Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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