Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
