God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
