yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
