you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
