Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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