the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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