i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Randomize
