Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
