OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
