I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
