Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we're making bets on your personal life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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