It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
